sunday.

About two years ago i began my first session of "anxiety attacks".

some of you may laugh,

but for those who have experienced anxiety as i have,

you know that it isn't the most pleasant thing on the earth.

and for those that are curious as to how it feels, continue reading.

it was my senior year of high school.

it was when my "worries" slowly, but surely began taking over my life.

i had no control over my brain.

it felt like every little being in my body was being diminished.

i would cry and cry.

and i didn't know how to fix this illness.

it was frustrating and scary.

---

i finally was able to find some help.

after months of constant worry.

and waking up literally ill.

i was able to feel the love of my heavenly father and savior, impacting my life.

---

unfortunately, my anxiety still comes and goes.

i have learned and accepted that being a -worrier-

is just something i will always have to deal with.

but by prayer, reading the scriptures, and reaching out to my savior...

everything is always a lot bit better.

-

this past week, i have been feeling the anxiety a little more than usual.

i was feeling nervous, and fear was arising in my body that it was all going to come back.

but then today, my mama was giving a lesson in relief society.

about an hour before, i was debating wether or not to go.

i had been to my meetings for the day, and was feeling a little under the weather.

i went anyway.

her lesson was all about hope, which i felt i had lost all of.

and about coming unto Christ in trials, and just day to day life.

It is so amazing to me how our Heavenly Father knows our needs so well,

and what we need to hear in that exact moment to keep us going.

We are so blessed!

please watch this video, it is just too amazing to pass up.

ps. thanks mama for your wonderful lesson today.

lesson learned.

last night i had the biggest urge to push down a snowman.

i know, i know.

how could i be so rude?

i attempted anyway.

and failed...completely.

i ran full force towards this snowman below,

& was 100% positive that i would knock it right over.

little did i know...

it was completely ice (because it was so cold)

and it practically knocked me over instead.

and pretty sure i got the air knocked out of me.

i guess i had to learn this lesson the hard way?

on a happier, and sunday note.

church was amazing today.

i was feeling sick during sunday school,

and was thinking i would maybe just go home instead of going to relief society.

i decided to stay and couldn't be more happy about it.

- - - - -

"when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren."

luke 22:32.

i love that scripture. it touched my heart today.

& just reminded me that we all need to help and strengthen

those around us, so that we can all return to our heavenly father someday.

this gospel. i love it.

in.som.nia

i struggle with it, badly.

but having this disorder, comes with many perks!

one thursday night, i was up probably till about 6 in the morning.

and of course being up this long, causes my brain to go. go. & go.

WHICH. resulted in me wanting to have a bake sale.

i woke up the next morning.

convinced my cute mom to help me.

and off to advertise i went.

all day friday we prepared till late

and woke up early saturday.

we sold...

chocolate zucchini muffins

cinnamon rolls

oatmeal cookies w/ brown butter frosting

& homemade oreo cookies

we made a little over 5 dozen of each dessert,

and sold out in about 2 hours.

it was amazing, and i loved every minute of it.

-many more bake sales to come-

HAPPY (late) HALLOWEEN.

i was Ariel, from the little mermaid!

i made my costume,

&&& without a pattern.

i forgot how much i absolutely love to sew.

ps. for those wondering, my psoriasis is almost better! i still get itchy from time to time, but the dots are finally not so bumpy, and are turning a very very light pink color! Last night i was laying in bed talking to my mom, and i got the biggest smile on my face. i just feel so blessed that it is actually healing, and finally getting better! so grateful.

my belly.

today is 2 months exactly.

that i have had these itchy dots over my body.

crazy isn't it?

and even though itching all day long isn't usually apart of my life, 

i am starting to get used to it.

i remember walking into work on august 9th,

and wondering why on earth my neck was itching so bad.

soon enough it went to my arms, legs, stomach, and everywhere else.

anyway.

i've never been one to show off my stomach.

& not that there is actually anything to show off exactly...

 other than my awesome cheetah spots.

i figure its not that big of a deal.

(actually it is kind of a big deal, but truth be told, 

i am just excited its getting better & 

am feeling the need for people to be excited with me).

EVERYONE.

my guttate psoriasis is healing.

you know when you have the most handsomest boyfriend,

and he says the most cutest of cute things,

and you feel in love,

and you have butterflies?

that is how i feel right now.

feeling so thrilled and blessed.

(a big thanks to DoTERRA oils, jill-my doc, my aunt, cousin, and mama of course)

ps. if you think the picture above is bad?

you would have gone blind if you saw me a week ago ;)

--

with being itchy still and all.

i am loving that fall is keeping my spirits high.

i love being so cozy ALL of the time.

it makes my heart feel happy.

------

my pretty little sister, savannah & i.

MAGIC.

Today was a grumpy madeleine day.
i tried really hard not to be, but my lack of sleep and itchiness was really getting to me!
so i apologize to my mom and gabrielle, for the "mad madeleine" that came back a little today.
(mad madeleine was my nickname from the ages 8-11).

but for some good news!

i went to the

"witch doctor" or so they call her.

I am kind of hoping she will become my fairy god mother, and work some serious magic.

I have basically been to every kind of doctor, and she was my last resort.

Today i found out...

1. my digestive system is totally messed up.

2. the antibiotics (i've been on for over a month) have been feeding my psoriasis.  (making it worse).

3. the steroids, which i've been on & off of were also feeding my psoriasis.

4. i am completely and totally mineral depleted.

5. SUGAR (which is my absolute favorite) also feeds my psoriasis. which is very unfortunate for me  (sugar being the only thing keeping my mood somewhat content).

- - - - - - - 

Speaking of witches and things of that sort.

my little sister told me that i have "witch hands" and that they look like they came off of the movie tangled.

-she was completely serious.

we laughed...

and then i became self conscious.

and to get rid that that self consciousness.

here are my witch hands: 

(ps. i am absolutely loving my current nail polish)

ANYWAY. the doctor gave me quite a hard TO DO list.
1. i can only eat organic meat and vegetables for the next two weeks.
(almost passed out when she said that.)
2. i have to have a cup of water with a teaspoon of baking soda, twice a day.
3. i have to drink a cup of water with 5 drops of melaleuca, four times a day.
(it has quite a terrible taste if you didn't already know.)
4. mineral pills.
&
5. probiotic pills.

While she was telling me this, the only list i was thinking was:
1. no sweets.
2. no sweets.
3. no sweets.
4. no sweets.
&
5. no sweets.

wish me luck!
oh, and ps. today i had for the first time in a long time, the feeling that i am going to get better!
cloud 9 status for sure.
happy wednesday!

it took a turn this past week.

for the worse.

its more red, inflamed, and itchier than ever.

the dots are now turning into patches.

but, i continue finding myself more and more grateful for this.

this trial, has weirdly changed my life forever.

in the past month and a half, i have never been so vulnerable.

in the times (which is most of the time) i think i am going to literally explode,

i find myself leaning and reaching out to my savior more then ever.

i have found my saviors hand in my life in the past month,

more then i have in my entire life.

not that he wasn't there before this illness hit me.

but during this time of need

i have never felt so much comfort or love.

i continue to find so many blessings along the way.

i am learning so much about myself.

i feel blessed.

my faith is growing immensely.

i feel overwhelmed with the spirit and the love of my heavenly father.

& even though each day is a struggle and i don't feel 100 %.

i am currently very grateful for my life.

foodie.

absolutely and totally obsessed with food.

but.

i love to bake (and when i say love, i mean unconditionally love). 

and i love finding new recipes.

this isn't a food blog,
(i leave that to my sister. check her blog out! breannasrecipebox.blogspot.com) 

but.

my moms chocolate chip cookie recipe is phenomenal.

and the the dough isn't bad either...

the past couple weeks my little brother and i find ourselves making a batch right after dinner.

we eat the dough until we feel sick,

(literally, we eat spoonfuls at a time)

and once the cookies are baked,

we eat them until we are even sicker.

(they are ridiculously addicting).

so, i warned you.

recipe:

1 C. Shortening

1 C. White Sugar

3/4 C. Brown Sugar

2 eggs

1 tsp. Baking Soda

1 (heaping) tsp. Salt

1 T. Vanilla

2 1/2 C. Flour

2 C. Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips

-mix together shortening and sugars. add eggs and beat. add baking soda, salt, vanilla, and mix. slowly add the flour while mixing. last but not least, add the chocolate chips!

- put the balls of dough onto a cookie sheet that NEEDS parchment paper.

Oven: 375 degrees

Cook Time: 9ish minutes. 

(i set for 8, and see how they are looking, and will usually add a minute or so).

*if you make them, i would lovvvve to hear how you liked them, and i think my mom would also :)

people.

you are nice.

everyday at least one person,

 weirdly makes my heart feel as if its overflowing with happiness.

even if its just a simple hello.

so thank you for being just nice.

it really does make quite a large difference in my day.

-speaking of nice people-

there is this woman.

you know when you meet someone, whether its a new friend, or future hunny, or just an acquaintance.

and they were placed in your life for a very known, & good reason?

today i was thinking.

&

 my mama, was placed in my life for a very good reason.

she's my best friend.

& i feel so blessed that i have her.

as we all know (and I'm not wining, i promise) i've been sick for over a month now.

this amazing lady, without fail

-makes sure I'm taking my medicine (even sets it out for me, because sometimes i get confused).

-holds me when i feel like I'm about to have a full blown panic attack and the tears won't stop.

-gives me positive advice everyday.

-stands up for me when people make fun of me or give me a hard time.

-scratches my itchy back (because its hard for me to reach) for endless amounts of time.

-is constantly trying to make me smile or laugh.

 -comforts me, so much.

& is just an amazing mama.

i am convinced she's my angel.

Its called Guttate Psoriasis.

I've had this illness, for over a month now.

46 days to be exact.

or 6 1/2 weeks

& blah blah blah.

Never did i think that i would have something that would basically take over my life.

I have been blessed with this trial because about 50 days ago, i had strep throat.

an evil thing that strep throat is...

(and yes i say blessed with this trial because as hard as it is, i have had so many blessings along the way that i couldn't be more grateful for.)

 I was sick for about a day and a half with a sore throat, fever, and chills and then found myself very relieved thinking i was all better.

a few days after, to my dismay... i started getting hives on my neck and arms.

these hives soon turned into swollen red bumps all over my skin and soon after patches of red bumps.

after going to multiple doctors.

we finally found one, that was able to diagnose me with guttate psoriasis

definition: Guttate psoriasis is a skin condition in which small, red, and scaly teardrop-shaped spots appear on the arms, legs, and middle of the body.

Symptoms include itching and spots on the skin, which are pinkish-red and look like teardrops. The spots may be covered with silver, flaky skin called scales.

& for your information, in the definition above...

WHEN THEY SAY...

small, red, and scaly teardrop-shaped spots:  ***BIG, red, and scaly teardrop-shaped spots

appear on the arms, legs, and middle of the body:  ***COVERING my entire body

itching:  ***itching beyond words that could describe

pinkish-red:  ***usually dark red, somethings hot pink

...

(this picture doesn't really do it justice)

I was on so much medication that i would be in bed all day long. i now try to just handle the itchiness so i am not so whooozy all day.  (which will sometimes result in me almost having a panic attack). at one point i would sleep only 30 minutes a night. i would literally finally fall asleep at 6:30am and have to wake up around 7am for school. and at times i am so positive it is almost ridiculous. and other times, i can't stop crying. my medication makes my emotions a very very very large roller coaster.  ^just warning you^ i have a checkup with my doctor weekly. at times it looks like its healing, and other times it looks like i just got hit by a plague. (right now i am definitely hitting the plague or being hit by it.) I recently tried a juice fast. i drank just juice for 5 whole days. i think that is quite incredible. supposedly this would help my psoriasis, but i found myself even more emotional than before because i couldn't have the thing that was keeping me somewhat sane (food).

-----

i did however, find myself feeling amazingly healthy. so juicing will definitely become a part of my daily life. just not ALL day long.

this weekend i had a breakout (again). and itchier than ever. 

BUT. its ok, i have a doctor appointment tuesday.... maybe they will give me better news then just prescribing me another medication that won't work.

cross your fingers for me!

i know my polka dots aren't the most flattering...

but i am becoming quite fond of them!

me and the dots are almost best friends.

(hopefully best friends that don't last longer then another week).

HAPPY HAPPY SUNDAY!

i realize when I'm not blogging... I'm not really writing in my journal either.

oooopsy.

blogging doesn't make my hands as tired as writing...

so BLOG it is!

a few weeks ago, i went up to gateway with some of my favorite kiddies.

coco went on a walk with me, while the other kids shopped.

she is precious.

&-i-just-want-to-SQUEEZE-her.

my life is a little crazy at the moment. i feel like ever since summer ended,

i've been on some roller coaster thats not going up and down,

but spinning in circle after circle.

and i just can't get in control!

i work a lot.

which is great, because i am currently taking a little break from uvu.

and i don't think she's in any rush to have me back there anyway.

my mama and i, hang out a lot.

and i couldn't be more happy about it.

i love running her errands with her.

do you ever think about how quickly days go by?

i think about it ALL of the time.

when gabrielle reads this, she is going to make fun of me. a few days ago i was

trying to explain to her what i think about, but it didn't make sense to her.

my life is simply going.

and as of lately, its the same thing... over&over.

i wake up.

try to run... not working out so well with my -maybe stress fracture leg-

shower.

work.

home.

bed.

and don't worry, i do fit food into my schedule, since it is on my mind most of the time anyway.

WHAT I am trying to get to.

IS.

I think i need to change some things up for a bit.

i don't know what it is yet, but its going to be amazing. i just know it.

--

my little sister savannah.

decided to grow 2 inches in 2 weeks!

NO BIG DEAL.

i love you savannah. Shack#2 (laugh)

now getting to really bigger and really better things!!

nicole wait. is gettin marrrrrried.

i got the chance to go to her bridal shower this past week.

and it was a party.

i am so happy for her, and i can't wait for the big day!

love you nicola coca colllla.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

helllllo?

It sure has been a while.

i hope everyones year is going the way they want it to.

i feel like i have no time.

to. do. anything. i. would. like.

i am trying to change that, and when i do,

I WILL BE BACK BLOGGGGING WORLD.